Comments for Storeyblog's Weblog

Comment on by eleaphant

eleaphant — Thu, 15 May 2008 18:12:17 +0000

hey–ok, unrelated, but i don’t recall your last name so i couldn’t find you on email :/ i’m so sorry i forgot to deliver the book yesterday, but i have it w/ me now in the library. i’m in a carrel on the upper level, left side, or, are you here? i can come find you…

Comment on Long Fiction Piece by moatman

moatman — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 13:39:52 +0000

clare-
this builds and builds and never peaks. You do a good job pacing it deliberately slow and tense, and we can feel the sexual tension between Noah and Waverly, but you might need a confrontation towards the end. Even if you’re going for an anticlimactic mood, I felt it build towards some wort of revelation or realization and never get there.

Comment on Kafka-esque Exercise-Dumpty Dumped by finepewterportraits

finepewterportraits — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 19:14:18 +0000

So, we both did Humpty Dumpty. I like the comparison you draw between accidental and intentioned pain, and I think he’s definitely an apt character for the metaphor to apply to. But it’s a little bit confusing, and some of the point is obscured because it seems like the metaphor is mixed, and that you introduce the Dumped Angle without the proper foreshadowing. I felt like, if even the word “dumped” were used instead of “pushed” when you say “the truth is…”, it might be more apparent what you’re talking about.

I don’t know. I hope that doesn’t sound presumptuous. I’m meaning to be constructive.

Comment on Kafka-esque Exercise-Dumpty Dumped by Maddie Oatman

Maddie Oatman — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 00:20:08 +0000

This piece seemed to be more of an opening than a complete flash. I think that the fulcrum lies in the push itself, so maybe you could move this push up to the beginning and put more focus on the “you” and why it might have pushed humpty dumpty. I really like that you chose this to talk about, and that you really subvert the original tale, so that we are more intrigued by the reasons for the fall than the fact that he couldn’t be put back together again. I can’t wait to read more of your work!
Maddie

Comment on Long Creative Non-Fiction Piece by sunwick

sunwick — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 22:53:00 +0000

ooo, nice take on the longer piece. And I agree on the fragmentation of thoughts, I love the stream of consciousness.

Comment on Long Creative Non-Fiction Piece by kflagg

kflagg — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 22:12:37 +0000

Hey Clare,

I agree with Andrew — having seen the earlier version, I prefer ending with the question. I agree with him, too, that the fragmentation in this piece works incredibly well. It’s unsettling, but it also reminds me of the way the mind works when thinking about the body — flashes of images from throughout the day, memories, complicated feelings, very concrete amounts and foots and meals, justifications, explanations, all brushing up against each other in a mess that doesn’t always make linear sense. You do a nice job of capturing that.

Some of my favorite sentences were some of the most seemingly unrelated — “She has her father’s nose.” and “Her boots are saucy.” This sort of an essay puts a lot of pressure on individual lines, and you do a great job making them really ring. It’s a nice change from some of the more explicit narration you’ve done in the past — what a wonderful risk you’ve taken here.

See you tonight!

Katie

Comment on Long Creative Non-Fiction Piece by throdizzle

throdizzle — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 03:14:57 +0000

I think that having an inconclusive ending might serve the subject material better. I find the fragmentation extremely disturbing and disconcerting. This is such a powerful piece!

Comment on Stranger Study by eleaphant

eleaphant — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 20:18:01 +0000

hey clare!

i really like the way you give the guy (from the juicebar? he’s an interesting character a background in only a line or two–the sun spots from when he was young really brought me back into what he might have done as a young boy in his generation. i think i understand why you would be relieved at a silent exchange, but perhaps knitting yourself in a litte more would help that. i think it’s a moment we can all relate to, on a daily basis even! see you tomorrow!

Comment on First Short Creative Non-Fiction Piece by eleaphant

eleaphant — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 20:01:59 +0000

This is a striking story. The images of your personal bubble, which is defined even in a crush of people, are critical. I think that if you pushed that, perhaps fleshing out just how crowded, stuffy, breathy, infuriated your space becomes when he enters it, and where exactly the parameters of your bubble are in relation to the other people and objects around you, you might be able to engage the reader even more, particularly if you want a visceral reaction. Also, I REALLY like that you sought refuge in the armed guard; I wonder if you could probe that decision even more as well. So far you tell a solid story which has many opportunities for description and expansion; I’d be interested to see how you could turn some of the explaining into creating, if that makes any sense. As in not so much justifying your actions or revealing the choices you make but more grabbing a moment and making it THE moment..? I’m not entirely sure about how to explain it. I should probably go define it for myself, in fact. But I think you have a great starting point.

Comment on by storeyblog

storeyblog — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 19:04:04 +0000

Barbara actually helped me figure it out and its pretty easy so I would be happy to show you any time you want. I agree with you on the tone of my piece being flat and monotone and I like that it was unsettling because thats what I was going for. I’m doing a similar strategy in my multimedia piece so I am excited to see what you think!